It’s my Aunt Julie. She’s sick again. Not even again – she’s just going downhill. She hasn’t really gotten better – that would constitute an “again.”
She was in the hospital in November, but pulled through. She’s in so much pain right now, nothing’s helping. I think she’s really giving up this time, the pain’s just too much. The (rare) optimist in me says “don’t worry! She’ll pull through like she always does.” But the realist in me knows she can’t keep doing this. She’s stage four, as far as I know. I just can’t fathom what the hell is going on. I’m removed slightly from the situation since I live 5 hours away…I only hear things when they get really bad. Lately I’ve been hearing a lot. My Aunt Mitzi is trying to guarantee her own remission and trying to find a cure for her Julie at the same time. My mom is trying to help both of them and my grandma (who also is dealing with (ovarian) cancer), while also trying to keep her shit together.
What do I even do? I feel so damn helpless. I don’t know if I can see her. She’s so sick. My grandpa died in November, right before I started this blog. I didn’t get a chance to see him before he died. My Aunt Mitzi and my mom kept saying that it was probably good that I didn’t see him, so I could remember him in a good way; when he could remember who i was and would get a smile on his face when he saw me. He was thin and frankly out of his mind from the alzheimers when he died. I am happy I didn’t make it up to see him. I guess I don’t think I could feel that way about Julie. She’s still there, beneath the pain and cancer. She’d still smile when she saw me, if the pain allowed.
This wine isn’t helping me feel better. Maybe another glass.
Then I start thinking about her two boys and I just lose it. Their dad’s been gone (died of a heart attack) for over 20 years. What will they do? I feel guilty I’m not closer to them.
I need to stop.
I’m going home this weekend (a trip planned long before I knew the situation with Julie), so hopefully I can stop by and see her. I’ll try to take my parents minds off of things and try to make my grandma laugh and act like things are mostly normal.
If anything, today has made my will to walk those 60 miles in September even more. The fact Julie can survive day-to-day with her pain means I can walk 20 miles a day for 3 days. That’s the least I can do. And hope that enough money is raised enough so that some day people won’t have to put up with this shit.
I’ve actually been quite busy with work and not being depressed anymore, so I haven’t had much time to blog. But I swear I’ll finish the two posts I started soon. I know all three of you reading are just DYING to find out the goings-on in my life.
1. I’d like to start having a “girls night” at my house again, yet I can’t think of a tv show to gather around like we used to.
Back in the day, I’d have a few girlfriends come over to watch ANTM, Sex & the City, Idol and/or Project Runway.
I don’t watch any of those shows anymore. Something tells me the girls wouldn’t have much fun coming over to watch my new favorite show Dexter. And I think I’m the only girl in a three city radius who gets stoked to be home at 7pm on Saturdays to watch new episodes of COPS.
Maybe Lipstick Jungle? Except it started already and I don’t know what’s going on.
B. For any ladies who are in the know, I decided today that I’m not going to take my Yasmin anymore. I’m giving it the boot because I think it’s causing me to feel crazy/depressed/off/panic attack-y and I don’t need any of that. Don’t worry, I’ll figure out what to take/do in it’s absence. Now is not the time for little ones.
#. Even though Macy’s told me it’d be two weeks for my glasses to come in (making them “here” on Saturday) I’ve still been stalking my phone in case they call to tell me they’re in. I check it every 15 minutes just in case I miss the call. Little things excite me.
…coming to work.
It’s crazy. All morning before I get to work, I’m all about getting stuff done at work. Like – really working. Finishing projects, feeling accomplished. As soon as I sit my ass in my comfy work chair, suddenly doing everything not work related is priority one. Priority two – procrastinate in whatever way possible. I don’t understand what happens from point A to point B.
Anyway, weekend wasn’t bad. I didn’t really get anything done, but that’s okay. Friday night we stayed home. I was in bed by 9pm, which was nice. I just didn’t want to move. I got a sudden burst of energy at like, midnight. But at that point, was forced to just go to sleep since the hubs had come to bed. Saturday I drove him to work (poor boy) and then bought birthday gifts for my friend L who we had a surprise party for that evening. We went out for dinner and when we got back to her house, like, 20 people scared the hell out of her. It was pretty good. We stayed late and I didn’t really go to sleep until about 3:30am.
She informed us during dinner that she and her hubby are seriously considering buying a house in Costa Rica and moving there. I thought she was kidding. But they’re serious. I almost started to cry. I have very few lady friends here in Minneapolis, and even less that I am such good friends with. I mean, I’ll live if she moves, but for my own selfish reasons I hope she doesn’t do it. :~(
Anyway, Sunday we went to the Home & Patio show (pretty much a waste of time – except we have some dude coming to our house this week to give us an estimate on how much new windows would cost) and then Target. I proceeded to spend the rest of the evening switching between watching Cops and sleeping. Martini – I see I missed your call. Tonight’s the night. I hope you’re around.
Tomorrow night, book club.
And I still can’t wait to get my new glasses already!!!
Posted 15 Feb 2008 — by Mrs. Jenna
And TGIF. Hope everyone’s VD was as fun/sexy/depressing/ridiculous/corny as you’d hoped. The hubs and I had a nice dinner at Santorini. It was spendy, but worth it. We never treat ourselves to THAT nice of a dinner – so it was welcome change. Although, I may have to wander around the neighborhood doing “odd jobs” to make up for the chunk of change we spent.
I’m so glad it’s Friday. I’m frightened I might be getting a cold or something, I was sweating all night last night, woke up with a sore throat, and suddenly might fall asleep while typing.
Tonight, we’re staying home and eating our VD leftovers. I’m so looking forward to it.