So, this is the post I started last week that was going to be a more serious post. Turns out, all I even typed out was the title. But I still remember the topic.
I’m going to jump around here a bit. Stay with me.
It seems like lately, all I’m doing is wishing for things to be different. So much so that it nearly consumes my thoughts when I have a spare moment to daydream. My biggest wish? To win the lottery or suddenly be handed a crap-ton of money. I know, I know – a lot of people wish for the same thing. But I think about it ALL THE TIME. Because it would for the most part, solve a lot of my problems. Again – I know this would also solve a lot of problems for other people, but we’re talking about ME, people. IT’S ALL ABOUT ME! *cough* Anyway…
I wish so badly every day that I could be a stay at home mom. EVERY DAY. This just isn’t possible because we need my income. In fact, I’m trying to start working four 10 hour days (instead of four 8 hour days) in order to get back to 40 hours a week and more money.
So, in essence, a lotto win would equate to never having to work again. And the thought makes me so happy that I simply cannot stop thinking about it. I don’t even think about what else I could do with the money, just knowing I could stay home with Abby is enough. I’m so happy when I’m with her. But when I’m not…
I also am having a hard time with my emotions lately. I’m usually a pretty happy person, but I seem to be crying more often and just kind of in a funk that I can’t shake. I have a huge group of ladies I love more than any e-buddies evar, but I can’t bring myself to talk with them much anymore. I don’t really talk to any of my IRL friends anymore either, save one. I don’t know why. It has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me. I keep blaming my hormones (DAMN THIS MIRENA!) but I don’t know if that’s it. And I’m not ready to start waving the PPD flag, because seriously? I just can’t. I don’t feel like that’s me. And that just leaves me…here. With no answers. Feeling slightly crazy and just hoping that tomorrow I’ll feel better. Some days I do. Others, not so much.
I kind of just feel trapped in my own mind. Like, if I vocalize my inner monologue EVER I will surely be locked up in some sort of looney bin or asylum for special people. I have a lot of issues I need to work out regarding a lot of things, but instead I choose to keep everything locked up, because I simply do not feel like dealing with anything.
So…there’s my serious post. I don’t know how I feel about actually putting all of this out there, but I am. I kind of feel like I’m in that dream where you’re in the middle of a crowd with no clothes on and everyone is staring at you. I guess I’m just hoping that someone out there can hand me a robe. Preferably one made of lightweight cotton. It’s warm out, doode.