Unease.

8 Comments
Posted 04 Dec 2012 in house stuffs, marriage, not so much, The Hubs

 

“Well, we must wait for the future to show.”
― Virginia Woolf, To the Lighthouse

 

To come to a point where your dreams move away from your reach is hard.

The hubs and I have discussed putting our house on the market for months. We worked all summer on our home to prepare it to sell. When months zoomed by and it got colder and we weren’t ready yet, we decided to hold off until Spring.

We have many reasons we want to move. We need a better layout of rooms so that when the times comes that we plan for a second child (!!!), our bedrooms are on the same floor. Our neighborhood is not necessarily family friendly. I hate the schools in our district. Our main (and frankly only used) bathroom is very small. The house is over 80 years old.  I want to feel safe walking out after dark.

But really, it’s the bedroom thing that’s got me wanting to move. We have two bedrooms on the main floor, and our finished attic acts as a third bedroom. A third bedroom with stairs so steep that we struggled to get a full size bed through the doorway. Meaning: I don’t think we could get a queen size bed up there. If we have a second child – I don’t want that baby or Abby being upstairs while the rest of us are down. The attic doesn’t maintain a comfortable temperature in the winter OR summer. To me, I have a hard time making this house work with a second child.

And talks of that second child have begun.

Unfortunately, realizations of how much debt we’ve accumulated have also come to light.

In this equation, our plan of moving out of this house (which has contributed to our mounting debt) have in essence been shut down because of our debt.

It is our own fault. I knew eventually this would happen. Denial is a powerful thing.

And now? I can’t allow myself to accept this as fact.

“If the market were different, we’d sell our house for a profit instead of breaking even, and we could pay off that debt.”

“Maybe we’ll win the lottery.”

“This isn’t a huge deal-breaker. We can still get a mortgage.”

When I think about it enough, my heart breaks hard and I nearly start to cry. To me, moving was a step towards the future, and I don’t want to put my dreams on hold. I want to know everything will still fall into place. That the choices we made in the past are not totally destroying our dreams for the future.

This is not the end of the world. If push comes to shove, we can make this house work. Knowing that we’ll be paying for our financial mistakes instead of living our lives in a new home? Hurts. Like. Hell.


8 Comments

  1. I feel this. I really really REALLY do.
    It sucks and I have nothing to offer but a very Whomptastic fistbump.
    mrshiggison recently posted..ExperienceMy Profile

  2. Past debt is a bitch! We are currently very slowly filling in our hole. It sucks, but each payment is a little more freeing at the same time! Although our Hawaiian vacation is AT LEAST a decade in the future still.
    Laura recently posted..Just Dance 4! [Sponsored Post]My Profile

  3. Mae

    Ugh. I so hear this. We are absolutely trapped in this house and it makes me so sad. Someday, we’ll all grow up and… Act like grown ups? Maybe?
    Mae recently posted..Important ThingsMy Profile

  4. Nora

    You took on debt at the time because those decisions were important to where you were at then and the future you wanted that is your beautiful family in the present. It’s arguably harder to make the tough choices in your 20’s than your 30’s. You’re better suited mentally to deal with not having it all now than you probably were then. Take solace in that at least.

  5. I absolutely, totally, completely know how you feel. I hate paying for my mistakes, even if when the mistakes happened I didn’t REALIZE they were mistakes. Hugs, friend.
    Suzanne recently posted..In Which Everything Goes Wrong But In The Easiest Way PossibleMy Profile

  6. This is something I really struggle with now. I made a lot of mistakes before I was married and we sort of swept them under the rug, because if one of us was fine that’s all that mattered. My financial history is ugly, and it now has me and the kids sort of trapped. I am working on it…but even the less than 10k in debt is a lot of weight on my shoulders when I have two kids who depend on me. I don’t have anything but a bank account in my name…it’s a really scary place to be. I wish I would have made better choices, but now there’s only one way to get to the other side of the mess I made…and that’s through it.
    Alena recently posted..Happy Thanksgiving y’all!My Profile

  7. Wow. I could have written this…

    I want to tell you, though, that although we have similar issues (one bathroom that can actually be bathed in, bedrooms on different floors, debt, etc) we are climbing out of the hole….sloooooowwwwwwly. Our school system sucks ass so badly that I now homeschool my kids. We can’t yet afford to move to a better district, nor can we afford private school, both options I would consider if…if we could consider them. And knowing that my poor choices and decisions in earlier years put us here? That sent me into a spiral of depression that made me suicidal at times. I felt like I had screwed my kids. I STILL feel like I screwed my kids.

    Things are getting better, though, and I realized that although I can’t change the past, although GOD knows I wish I could, I would surely be screwing my kids if I skipped out on my mistakes. Not to mention that as much as it sucks, it can eventually be overcome. Not when I’d like. Hopefully some time while my kids are still…KIDS.

    And we are considering a third. In this house, the one with not enough rooms, bathrooms that need remodeling, and a much smaller living space in general than most of our friends. My answers won’t be your answers, necessarily, but I just want you to keep your head up and look FORWARD. And know that…you can still make baby work. For our part, we’re working on our daughter’s room and the one GOOD thing about this house is that our bedroom, which is the biggest room in the house, is SO big that it can hold a full in addition to our king, and that’s where my son sleeps. And I can fit a crib in if need be too. I just decided to hell with it, if we want the baby, let’s make it work. It can work. It also helps that there is finally some light at the end of the tunnel, and although it’s a ways off yet…admitting my mistakes, instead of hiding from them (which I am not saying YOU are doing) and not continuing to make them. And there was that period where I felt like I had admitted them and was paying my debts literally AND figuratively and not seeing the light yet and it just felt awful. But, as cliche as it sounds, it can and does get better. Obviously, from my comment and others here…you are not alone. And that sounds cliche too, but I hope it helps to know that there are LOTS of us out there with regrets of youth and how it is now impacting our kids…sigh. Hang in there, okay?
    Leila recently posted..THIS IS SERIOUS NEWSMy Profile

  8. Thanks so much for all the kind words and stories that tell me I’m so not alone in all this. :)



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