Archive for the ‘I am a moron’ Category

The Pot Roast

Posted 08 Nov 2012 — by Mrs. Jenna
Category I am a moron, marriage, motherhood

Hi there. Long time no see. You look thin. Let me make you something.

But maybe not a pot roast.


Monday, I worked from home. It was lovely. I mean, I struggled a bit with the whole working thing. (Eventually I got some work done.) Around 3pm or so, it was time for me to peel some potatoes and throw some carrots and meat into the Crock Pot I had just purchased that morning. I was going to make my first pot roast.

Let me stop here. How well do you know me? If you know me well, you know that I’m no chef. At all. Occasionally I luck out and make something and it’s awesome. My first time shot at a new recipe? It’s questionable, but usually edible. I figure out what I could have done better, and if I make it again, it usually is. In between all this “cooking” I do? I don’t cook. EVER. We eat pizza. Take-out. Spaghetti and store-bought sauce. Chicken nuggets. I’m not winning any parenting awards here. WE GET BY. I’ll repeat – I. DON’T. COOK. Full stop.

So, this past weekend, when I knew I was going to be home during the day, I figure now’s as good a time as any to try my hand at slow-cooking…Crock Pot style. I grab my spice packet from the Target bag, follow the directions (slice veggies and throw into pot, add meat, then combine spice packet + 1 cup water, pour over veggies and meat) and place the cover on the pot. There’s a four or eight hour cooking time options. I set the temperature, and know that when the hubs comes home from work four hours later, this place is going to smell wonderful and dinner will be served. Wife/Mom of the year? STEP RIGHT UP.

(I know that most of you probably do this shit at least twice a week and no one bats an eye. This seriously was like, a huge deal for me. No joke.)

I leave to pick up Abby an hour and a half later, and I can’t smell anything yet. I figure…it’s still got two and a half hours left. It’ll smell good soon. We get back, we play a bit…and I realize I’m still not smelling anything. I check the pot, without removing the cover. (See? I can follow directions!) It’s cooking, but…not what I would expect it would look like. Yet, I question nothing.

Seven o’clock rolls around. The hubs will be home in a half hour. Suddenly…a moment of clarity. Four hours on low. Four hours. On low. That doesn’t make any sense if there’s an eight hour option. Is there a lower setting than low? No. OH CHRIST ON A CRACKER I EFFING SET THE TEMPERATURE WRONG.

I dig the spice packet out of the trash and sure enough: “8 hours on low, 4 hours on high.” See what I did there? Let me show you: “8 hours on LOW 4 HOURS on high.”

All I could do was laugh at this point. I have a half hour to cook a roast another 4 hours. We’ll be eating at 11:30pm.

I managed to fuck up a crock pot recipe. It’s like…fate.

We ate spaghetti that night.


I took the pot out of the cooker around 8:30pm. Let it cool a bit and threw it in the fridge. I’d try again last night. I let it cook (longer maybe than needed but at this point it could only help me) but we still didn’t eat it because ELECTION NIGHT PIZZA WINE PANICCCCCC, but before bed I put it all into a plastic tub and threw it in the fridge. For tonight.

I put some on a plate for Abbers, heated it in the microwave for one minute. When it was done, I tried to cut it up into pieces for her – I swear that meat was so tough it’d kick all your teeth in before the fork passed your lips. TOTALLY inedible. The potatoes and carrots were alright but WHAT THE FLYING FUCK.

I seriously would love to pick up the entire Crock Pot and throw it out the window into the backyard where I could only hope that the squirrels would somehow find a way to make that thing their collective bitch.

(See how I’m mad at the Crock Pot? Like it’s the appliance’s fault I’m a moron?)

Ugh.

We ate frozen spring rolls for dinner tonight.

Please don’t call CPS.

(Side note – did you hear Dax Shepard & Kristen “Sloth” Bell are expecting their first?)

So guess what? FAIL.

Posted 15 Mar 2012 — by Mrs. Jenna
Category I am a moron, not so much

Two things.

One) I started drinking soda again. Yesterday I had three. DAMMIT. I had finally gotten past the headaches and then it was like FUCK IT and then I started drinking them again. Like my friend Martini said – “Soda is addictive, like ciggies. And thank god you’re not addicted to those because that’s way worse.” I couldn’t agree more. So I’m just going to try to cut back. To only one per day max. And then try to have days where I don’t have any. (Yeah RIGHT.) Even the guy at Bruegger’s this morning said “You need the good stuff, right?” after hearing my reply to “Diet or Regular?” (REGULAR DUH.)

Whatever.

B.) My back pain? Not related to the caffeine withdrawal. That sonofabitch Chiropractor really did eff me up. (No offense people of chiropractic persuasion.)

I’m not kidding you, internets. I couldn’t get in and out of bed or the car without yelping in pain and attempting some Cirque du Soliel bullshit maneuvers to do it painlessly. There WAS no painless way. I couldn’t do anything. Sitting made it worse. Standing made it worse. Laying down hurt, but then after a full night’s sleep I’d wake up and be like “WHOA! Back to normal!” and then after standing in the shower for 5 minutes be wishing for hit to be placed on the fine gentleman who “adjusted” my back. Poo on you, dude. Friday I finally went to a doctor (read, someone who would give me pain meds) and he declared that I had a “Severe Muscle Sprain/Strain” in my lower back. No nerve damage. Just some effed up muscles (which I figured.) He prescribed the most useless pain meds ever and some muscle relaxers that knock me on my ass.

Example:
I took one after my appointment when I was home resting on the couch, and I went from being in pain and watching some Emmy quality COPS episodes, to knocked the eff out Mike Tyson style. I woke up an hour or so later so mentally handicapped that I spent the next 45 minutes trying to discern whether I was awake, or if I was dreaming that I was feeding Abby a late lunch. Turned out I was awake. And slurring.

I tried taking only half of one last night to be comfortable laying down and hoping to not go back to Mars but I still woke up in the middle of the night with no idea where I was, but believing that I just had a conversation with Cosmo Kramer and that he was probably in the living room waiting to continue our discussion. It took me about 5 minutes before I realized I had been sleeping and that I am not in a Seinfeld episode. OR AM I?

Regardless, my back is sllloowwwllyy getting better. It’s still extremely stiff and now my hips hurt, but I assume it’s from all the overcompensation the rest of my body was doing trying to not have anymore of the worst pain ever. It needs to heal, and fast. A big group of friends is headed to see Jane’s Addiction at a smaller venue on Monday, and then Thursday night I have to fly in a plane for like, 3.5 hours…which means sitting and panicking and also sitting which equals pain. BUT IT WILL BE BETTER BY THEN. Right? Yes, yes it will, Jenna.

Maybe I should have gone to detox.

Posted 07 Mar 2012 — by Mrs. Jenna
Category I am a moron, not so much

I haven’t had a soda since Sunday.

I’ve had a debilitating headache since 2pm on Monday.

I thought maybe it was sinuses since my eyes hurt, and well as my forehead, but I’m not having any other symptoms (ie snot over-production).

In the meantime, my back has been whack (see what I did there?) so I went to the chiropractor yesterday thinking it would help my headache and my back. My upper back’s been giving me grief for a week, and then yesterday the lower back was getting achy.

So, I got an adjustment. My upperback? Awesome. My lower back? Completely unusable.  I can’t do anything. I can’t bend over, I can’t walk normal, I can’t even pick up Abbers. It hurts all the time. Fer Christ’s sake – I’m sitting at my desk at work with my heating pad on. I BROUGHT MY HEATING PAD TO WORK. Ugh. I’m old.

Enter DR. GOOGLE!

Turns out I’m suffering from caffeine withdrawal. Symptoms can include headache (which can last from 1-5 days, and centers behind the eyes, and then to the front of the head), lethargy, insomnia, fatigue, and flu like symptoms, such as nausea, vomiting, muscle pain and stiffness.

Part of me is like, well, I should just have a soda and it’ll make everything better! But then I think about crack addicts and they’re all like “I’ll just smoke more crack and then I won’t feel bad anymore!” Granted, I know a 32 oz cup of Coca-cola is no crack, but I just don’t know what to do. It’s just soda. Lord knows I’m not giving it up for good, just trying to cut back. But this? RIDICULOUS. I might just have one during lunch to see if my headache subsides. Ibuprofen won’t touch it. Like, 600mgs of ibuprofen.

Isn’t there some place called the Palms where I can detox with celebs? Someone send me there.

Attempting the impossible.

Posted 05 Mar 2012 — by Mrs. Jenna
Category I am a moron, I am awesome, not so much

Any of you who know me outside of the interwebs (you know, in real life) know that I have one true vice. Soda. Specifically, Coca-Cola.

Oh, Coke. It is so delicious. Especially fountain Coke from McDonalds. I have a name for large Cokes from McDonalds. MAGIC COKE. Because they taste like liquid magic.

I’m getting off track. See?  I EFFING LOVE COKE.

The problem is, I really only ever drink soda anymore. I never drink water. Just soda. This? Is not healthy. Combined with my lack of exercise and it seems I’m growing my own innertube for our trip to the ocean in 6 weeks.

SO. I’m giving it up. No, not completely. Do you think I’m insane? Right. I’m giving up soda during the week. Only to be served on the weekends.

Already I’m struggling. I really want one right now. BUT I WILL PREVAIL.

(not ironically, when I Googled “no more coke,”
it mostly returned images of Lil’ Wayne and Charlie Sheen.
Which is awesome.)

Wish me luck.

Day late and a dollar short.

Posted 31 Dec 2011 — by Mrs. Jenna
Category I am a moron, other people are awesome, paparazzi

Merry totally belated Christmas.