Archive for the ‘I am a moron’ Category

Why rompers are bad

Posted 25 Jun 2010 — by Mrs. Jenna
Category I am a moron, not so much, retail therapy

Recently, I purchased a romper at Target. I have since come to realize that I was drawn to the fabric print more than the “fashion-don’t” itself, but hindsight is 20/20, eh? I thought to myself, “I have an outdoor concert to go to on Saturday – if it’s hot, THIS WILL BE PERFECT!” WRONG.

Anyway, ROMPERS. In and of itself sound like toddlerwear. BECAUSE THEY ARE. Adults are not meant to wear rompers..for a number of reasons.

Do you see the results? MEANT FOR BABIES.

Right, so…why are rompers wrong? Well, first – let me tell you: I had fully intended on taking a photo of myself in this romper I purchased (see below) REGARDLESS of how I looked in it. THAT’S how confident I was that I wouldn’t look like shit. I was SO WRONG.

The romper in question

I tried it on in my bedroom (Do you understand that I actually purchased one without trying it on? Who the hell do I think I am? Heidi Klum!?) and OH MY GOD. Hot mess doesn’t even begin to describe what I looked like in this thing.

The romper in question did three things for my body, none of which are good:

  1. Hey, look! You’re five months pregnant! Oh, you’re not? WELL YOU LOOK LIKE YOU ARE.
  2. A serious case of NoAssAtAll. And trust me, after bearing a child and being on this very earth for nearly 30 years, I HAVE AN ASS.
  3. Yeah, I know…I have shitty posture. This romper is all, “Here! LET ME ACCENTUATE THAT FOR YOU.”

So, as quickly as it was on, it was off and lying on my bedroom floor. I poked it with a stick a few times to make sure it was really dead and stuck it back in the Target bag whence it came.

After this horrorshow, it dawned on me how horrible it would have been had I actually decided to wear it to this concert. Let’s just pretend for a second that I did look like the fabulous Target model wearing it and got to this outdoor concert. Enter…the PortoPotty.

When children wear rompers, most of the time there are crotch snaps to access poo and pee filled diapers. When ADULTS wear rompers, you pull them down to empty your bladder/poop tubes.

I would have had to sit virtually naked in a PortoJohn to cut a wiz.

I NEVER want to be naked in a PortoPotty.

EVER.

Also, the vision of the lock malfunctioning and the door being opened causing a line of people at the toilets and the entire festival grounds taking a peek at me with A ROMPER AROUND MY ANKLES and nothing else on is both hilarious and probably the worst thing ever.  (You know, aside from being locked in a room with “Afternoon Delight” at 11 and on repeat. (PCU! WHAT!))

::breathes::

I took the romper back on Wednesday.

Consider yourself warned.

How do I get more hours in the day?

Posted 04 Jun 2010 — by Mrs. Jenna
Category blog bidnass, house stuffs, I am a moron

As I’m sure you’ve realized by now…I am what’s known as a promise breaker.  I know I have to unload a kajillion photos from our cameras and I know it’s going to take roughly an hour to do it all. And when I get home from work…I have a billion others things calling me and that takes the back burner. EVERY DAY.  (On the plus side, laundry is done, dishes are clean and I managed to feed Abbers & bathe her a couple times in there too.)

SO. The weekend is upon us. And, as per usual, I’ve tasked myself with something nearly impossible – getting our kitchen painted. (As well as eventually getting the photos unloaded.) This photo is from the MLS listing the previous owners had, so FYI, none of that crap is mine. :) Anyway, please look at the color of my kitchen. I best describe it as “Bloody Poop.” Seriously. There is no better descriptor.

The kitchen and it's horrid color.

Why, why did they choose such a dark, putrid color? Because they couldn’t figure out what color would go with orange terra cotta tiles and brown grout? Really? I plan on painting it a light olive green. In my head I can accomplish this task in one day. However, my subconscious is also reminding me that it took A WEEK to paint the nursery. And I wasn’t covering up a shitty crime scene.  (You get the joke there? No rim-shot? Okay, FINE.) In my defense, there’s less square footage to cover in the kicthen than there was in Abby’s room, but we’ll see.

This is the suspense I leave you with over the weekend. Will Jenna get it done? Will Abbers cut another toofie? Will the hubs mow the lawn or get eaten alive by mosquitoes trying? Stay tuned.

Serious mommy/bloggy FAIL.

Posted 02 Jun 2010 — by Mrs. Jenna
Category baby business, blog bidnass, I am a moron, six dresses + six months

Yep. Abby’s turned 7 months old, had her first pool party and met a bunch of family over the weekend. I also have my dresses for April and May. Have I posted anything about any of it? No. However, I promise to do so soon. I’m hoping tonight. So, hang tight, internets.

All work and no play…

Posted 19 May 2010 — by Mrs. Jenna
Category Abigail, I am a moron, RAD

…wait, I lied. I played on Monday. Nevermind. And Saturday.

Saturday we went to Art-a-Whirl, an art gallery crawl in NE Minneapolis. We had a good time, aside from the trip we ended up taking to Target due to parental preparedness FAIL. We thought we could navigate crowded sidewalks and galleries with a stroller. NOPE. And, instead of driving the half hour home to get the Bjorn, we drove to Target instead and bought an Infantino Front2Back carrier (LOVE, hurts my back no more or less than the Bjorn with an 18 lb baby but can be worn on the back WHICH IS AWESOME) and a pair of shorts for the lil’ lady since it got a little toasty out. (My ass left a sweat mark on a chair I was sitting on. Just to give you an idea. And a pretty mental image.)

Sunday we played house and went to Home Depot where we purchased flowers, a couple hanging baskets and stuff needed to get the lawn looking good. I then battled Abby for the afternoon trying to get her to sleep. She wasn’t having it, so I gave up. I DID get my flower planters…uh…planted. So I got something done.

Monday, Abbers and I took a trip to Lake Calhoun and walked the lake. She took a little snooze, I stared at a gigantic Northern in the shallow part of the lake and walked too far in old converse sans socks. It was a gorgeous day though, and I was so glad to spend the time with my little girl. She had a blast. Then we hit the grocery store. That was annoying, as usual. But we had a good day over all.

Last night, I had the privilege of seeing Conan O’Brian live. We also saw the masturbating bear outside. Not the real one, but a pretty good imitator. I know tickets are about as easy to attain as a cure for the common cold, but if you can, GO SEE THIS SHOW. I have not laughed that hard in a long time, and CANNOT WAIT for his TBS show to start.

And to wrap up this post – THIS IS THE DUMBEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. It’s not far from this atrocity. Either way, if I see anyone on either of these contraptions, consider yourself throat punched.

An apology.

Posted 27 Feb 2010 — by Mrs. Jenna
Category blog bidnass, I am a moron

Tonight it was brought to my attention through a third party that my actions on a baby board that I frequent made a LOT of people mad, and I was banned from said board for my actions.

God’s honest truth, when I found out this evening why I was banned – I nearly cried.

I’ll put it into context for people who have no idea what I’m talking about. I belong(ed) to a baby board. Believe it or not, drama tends to erupt on said board. I got involved in the drama….I felt and knew that I was right and the moderators were wrong, and got REALLY mad when they took the side of the drama maker. I put an image in my siggy (if you don’t understand this, pull me aside and let me know, I don’t really want to explain what a siggy is) to express my displeasure with the actions of the board moderators and managed to offend a shit-ton of people. My impression was that I was banned because of the language I used against the mods. Turns out it was much more.

It was never EVER my intention to offend people when I chose to boycott the board in that manner. I was EXTREMELY upset and was flying by the seat of my pants, as it were. I have an “edgy” sense of humor to say the least and never for a moment thought that people might take what I posted out of context.

I love everyone. Ask anyone – ANYONE – who knows me and they can attest to this. I don’t have patience for jerks or drama. But I LOVE EVERYONE. Regardless of race, creed, sexual orientation or religious affiliation – WHATEVER…I’m the most kindhearted and accepting person you’ll ever meet. Even if I can outsnark the average bear.

Point being – I’m SORRY. I sincerely apologize to anyone I may have offended. Chances are the people I offended don’t read my blog, but I feel so horribly for having committed such an offense that I feel as though I should issue a public apology. So, here it is. If you need more clarification or want to contact me to discuss the matter further, email me.

I filled the hubs in on what happened, and he said it best. I totally “pulled a John Mayer.”

And I did. Except, I’m not as much of a douchebag (at least I don’t think I am) and hope that my apology is acknowledged as more heartfelt than his. Because it sincerely is.