Archive for the ‘I am a moron’ Category

A post of randomness.

Posted 17 Feb 2010 — by Mrs. Jenna
Category baby business, blog bidnass, I am a moron, other people are morons

Considering I’ll be arriving at the airport on my way to Mexico in less than TWELVE HOURS my mind isn’t focusing very well on any one thing in particular.

A few things though:

1.) Go ahead and take a gander at a calendar. It’s been about 3.5 months since Abby was born. I still haven’t sent out baby announcements. Now you may be thinking to yourself, “No biggie, Jenna – you missed the window…just send out cute photocards for some random holiday!” And to that I would say – EXCELLENT IDEA, internets! But could you please tell me what to do with ONE HUNDRED PERSONALIZED BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENTS I HAVE SITTING IN A BOX ON MY DRESSER. I shit you not when I tell you that I already have 20 of them in stamped (not yet addressed) envelopes WITH THANK YOU NOTES for gifts given God knows when. Which brings me to my other topic. I STILL HAVEN’T MAILED THANK YOU CARDS FOR MY LAST TWO SHOWERS.

My coping mechanisms for my lack of ability to complete these tasks have been procrastination, blatant ignoring of the situation and bottles of wine.

B.) The Minnesota Twins, for whom I love deeply, sent me a nice little email today telling me they are going to take a big dump on my heart that bleeds baseball and didn’t select me for their fancy lotto in attempts at getting a ticket for the home opener in the new stadium.

At this point in my bitching I’m assuming all non-baseball fans are like, “Suck it up woman! It’s just a game!” and all my baseball fanatics are all “WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY IT IS SO NOT JUST A GAME.” But I can’t be too bitter because…

7.) Oh yeah – I’m going to Mexico! ::high fives all around:: SO EXCITED. Even more excited to know that this year’s trip and henceforth massive tequila consumption won’t be interrupted by something I peed on. Speaking of Abby – she’ll be staying with the in-laws so mommy and daddy being wasted won’t require a call to CPS or whatever Mexico’s equivalent is.

I was going to wrap it up there, but since this just happened:

  • Dear CNN.com Breaking News alerts emails: Thank you SO MUCH for telling me who won the Women’s Downhill gold medal! As you know, this isn’t being broadcast for viewing UNTIL TONIGHT. So essentially you’ve ruined my evening. I politely offer you my middle finger.
  • PROGRAMMING NOTE: Since I’m going on vacation and ::GASP:: not taking my laptop with me and my celly doesn’t work in foreign lands…there will be a lack of updates until my return in about a week. No tweets, no bloggy-blogs, no Facebook. I’m scaring myself. Anyway – don’t worry about me is all I’m saying. I shall return. Hopefully more tan and with a higher alcohol tolerance.

    While I’m away I encourage you to vote for my blog! I need help. I’m straight slippin’.

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    Hangovers and hepatitis shots.

    Posted 04 Jan 2010 — by Mrs. Jenna
    Category Abigail, I am a moron, paparazzi, The Hubs

    Well, I survived NYE…barely. I drank as if I hadn’t stopped drinking for 10 months. MISTAKE. Also…having champagne be a large portion of my bevvy consumption was a mistake. And maybe that shot of tequila was a mistake too.

    despite the face I’m making it was quite delish.

    the midnight mooch


    …and then this happened.

    I woke up on Friday morning with the WORST HEADACHE EVER and heard the hubs reaching for something in a pill bottle. I shoved my hand in his face while managing the words “GIVE ME SOME.” I got Tylenol (what was left of the pregnancy stash) because we were out of Advil. Yet another sign of my lack of drinking. Christ, he could have given me his man vitamins and I would have been okay with it as long as I was taking SOMETHING.
    I woke up a couple hours later headache free, but with the spins. We showered and headed to breakfast with friends where I nearly vomited about three times. I ordered toast and a fruit cup, managed to finish nearly all of it and felt a little better.  We then went to pick up Abby from the Grandparents and headed home for some good couch napping. Ahhh…New Years.
    Anyway, my baby girl has her two month appointment tomorrow, complete with her first round of post delivery room vaccinations. ::insert scurred momma here:: I’m probably going to cry on the car ride home. That is, if they give her any shots at all. She’s been a little booger-y and cough-y for the past 12 hours. I’m hoping it’s just a fluke, but if she really IS sick, she might be skipping the shots this time around.
    And today, I took this video. Pardon my squeaky voice. The hubs insists I should do voices in cartoons. I give a stern side-eye as a response to that comment.


    Asking for a smile… from jenna bee on Vimeo.

    So THAT’s where I dropped it.

    Posted 23 Nov 2009 — by Mrs. Jenna
    Category Abigail, I am a moron

    You know when you’re eating something and food drops off your fork or something, and you KNOW it happened, but you can’t find it?

    Well I finally found it. Roasted garlic hummus in the folds of my daughter’s neck last night. And even after I thought I got it all, I’m still finding (and smelling) it.

    I think I just gave up my place in the running for mommy of the year.

    Tuesday night FAIL and irrational fears of baby vomit.

    Posted 04 Nov 2009 — by Mrs. Jenna
    Category Abigail, baby business, I am a moron, not so much, The Hubs

    Well, last night the hubs and I attempted to sleep in the same room as the baby…all three of us together instead of the 4 hours shifts staying up with her that we’d done the previous two nights. (Worked awesome, BTW (we got 5-6 hours of sleep at a stretch) but not really an option once he goes back to work on Monday.)

    We went to bed around 2ish. Abby was due for a feeding at 4:30.

    Wait…let me pause here to also add this tidbit. Abby’s butt was backed up for a good 36 hours, until last night when she had an awesome poop on her own. (Yep – I called poop awesome. I’m done for.) We were just about to use the ol’ lubed up thermometer on her booty when she did it all by herself. I thought – yay! The path had been cleared, now back to regularly scheduled pooping. Not so much. She hasn’t pooped since then, and she’s CLEARLY trying to finagle some out of her little body but it’s not working.

    Back to the story at hand. We went to bed, and Abby WAS asleep…and then started grunting and fidgeting and doing all sorts of sounds and aerobic tricks to work her poop out (or so I assume). Did I sleep? Maybe…if dozing for 3 minutes and waking up to look at her is called sleeping. Finally at 4am I changed her diaper and fed her her bottle, and headed back to bed. She was SOUND asleep…and started up with it all over again. By 5:30 or so, the hubs woke up and asked if I’d slept. I gave it an honest “I don’t know” and he got up with her to change her diaper again and get her settled in the living room so I could sleep. I kept insisting that she’s trying to poop, he thinks she’s just making typical baby noise. So, he took her in the living room and I cried. (Of course, I had also just had a brief dream that I “tried again” with a new Abby who’s intestines worked correctly but ended up having weird deformed hands instead. That probably didn’t help in the crying department.)

    Today is a new day.

    Also…Abby spit up for the first time last night. And I’m not ashamed to say it freaked me the fuck out. (Pardon my french…sailor’s mouth is too easy when you’re sleep deprived.) We had just fed her a GIGANTIC feeding which I know is to blame…we let her sleep too long and she was starving so my brilliance decided, YES! Let’s give her nearly a whole ounce more than she usually eats!

    Anyway, maybe it was the trick in getting her to finally poop on her own, because she did shortly after downing that bottle, but then promptly spit up after I had just changed her entire outfit since she’d peed on herself.  It was no biggie to me, until she did it again, but MUCH more. And then I got scurred.

    I know it’s just baby barf, and I didn’t mind it for the most part, but I just have this thing with barf. I cannot watch another human being vomit. It makes me get shaky and I get nervous and scared of having to watch it again. It probably stems back to when my cousins and I got dropped off at the movie theater when we were young, and one of my cousins ate like 3,495,751 sour patch kids or something and didn’t feel good. In my young, trying to be an adult mind, I thought – HERE! Put your head on my totally rad leather jacket with fringe I was given as a first communion gift! And then….BARF. All up in that fringe. I’m pretty sure I cried for days about that one. I took it to the bathroom and tried to clean it up, it was dry cleaned, but never was the same again.

    Anywho, I was scared to feed her again. But she’s eaten 3 bottles since sans spit up so that’s good, but has added the “gagging face” to her repertoire of sleep faces that immediately makes me hide under her burp cloth.

    And all that was just Tuesday.

    Was that a Mack truck? Oh wait – it was just the weekend.

    Posted 30 Aug 2009 — by Mrs. Jenna
    Category baby business, I am a moron, marriage, retail therapy

    This weekend was a good one for sure, but completely wiped me out. We got so much done, spent a lot of time with my parents, and had a lot of fun. However, I am paying the price today. And last night. I paid the price last night too.

    Anyway – we started the weekend out with a De La Soul concert at First Avenue on Thursday night, and after that wrapped up, headed to the hotel where my parents would be staying.

    Friday, the hubs and I cleaned up the house, and once my parents arrived, my dad and I installed a ceiling fan/light fixture in the baby’s room. And we did it – we powered it up and it worked without smoking or blowing up. (High-five, Dad!) It looks pretty nice. I’ll take some more pics when we have a little more done. Friday night we went to a bar/restaurant in Northeast and then called it a night.

    Saturday, my mom and I went to the Mall of America where she purchased early birthday gifts for me – work (maternity) clothes. The passing of labor day means no more “casual summer” at my job. Le sad. But now, I am set. Like my mom said – hopefully I don’t get put on bedrest or something and can actually use those clothes for the rest of my pregnancy! Saturday evening we went to the state fair, walked and ate tons of food, watched The Wailers play. I also froze to death. It was about 57 degrees…at 9:30 at night…at the end of August. Gotta love Minnesota weather. Anyway, contractions started up like the weekend before, and I had to get home. Once home, I reclined on the couch where my body pretty much gave up on itself, and every muscle ached. My dear hubs ran a bath for me (the first I’ve taken since being pregnant) and it was HEAVEN. It really helped. But, sleeping was another matter. I couldn’t get comfortable and my whole body was cramping up. I’ll assume it was rebellion for the miles I walked in both the mall and the fair. In any case, I slept pretty shitty.

    Today we had breakfast with my parents and then they left. It was sad, but I think I was too tired/achy to cry. I don’t know if I’ll see them again before the baby’s here…we’re going to try for them to come again in October. Anyway – I’ve pretty much been parked on the couch since then, sleeping and relaxing, something I haven’t done in a while.

    And, to round out this post to be the LONGEST EVER…I have a gallbladder update. This is where I get red faced and slightly embarrassed. The thought occurred to me last week that maybe the constant rib pain on my right side was caused by something else. I always felt better in the mornings, and some evenings…and (get this) whenever I would wear a sports bra. So, I moved my bra to the next loosest hooks.

    The pain went away.

    I am Jack’s complete and utter embarrassment.

    Granted, I still get occasional pains here and there, but the constant ache I was experiencing is gone. I’m so relived, but still trying to eat a lower fat diet to get everything under control.

    Later…or tomorrow, I’m going to post about the Dateline special on (right now) about vaccines and autism.