Archive for the ‘motherhood’ Category

Shifting Focus

Posted 11 Mar 2013 — by Mrs. Jenna
Category blog bidnass, motherhood, not so much

The last couple months have been quite trying. Reaching a level of “normal” life seems to come within reach, only to be pulled away when something else comes up.

I hadn’t written about it yet, as I was hoping it would resolve itself, but during this whole debacle, it was discovered I was testing positive for a new antibody – Anti-C – during routine pre-op blood work. It was an antibody that just 7 days prior was non-existent in my body. Having antibodies during pregnancy can mean anything from increased weekly labs to as much as an intrauterine fetal blood transfusion in extreme cases. My husband is an antigen carrier of Cc (for anyone who is familiar with any of this kind of business) so it was possible he was the cause, but not likely as the pregnancy was so early on. After much testing, and apparent debating at our area’s American Red Cross blood bank/University of Minnesota Transfusion clinic, they think the anti-C in my blood is a by product of a Rhogam shot I was given 4 days prior to my D&C. It’s weird, but apparently possible.

I received some labwork last week that lead me to believe that the Anti-C was gone, giving us the green light to start trying again. You guys? I was so happy. Like, tears of joy happy. I was FINALLY closing the door on this awful fucking experience. However, the write-up was misleading, and my OB explained that I still have a trace of Anti-C in my system. She wants me to have weekly tests for the next 4.5 months to try to test it down to a negative result (which she believes will occur)…but is putting us on the bench until that happens. (I could still get pregnant in the meantime, but instead of wasting time and money on tests I might not need, they just want to make sure they know what they’re dealing with.) I thought I was doing well with everything until I got this news. That pretty much threw me back into my pit of despair. My lovely friend Babe Chilla wrote a post capturing how I feel, for the most part…so instead of going into it, I’ll just let you read her post.

Anyway – all of this has forced me to step away from Facebook and Google and online support forums to just try and STOP CARING SO MUCH. And it’s helped. It was so nice over the weekend to just focus on me, my family and work on our house. We got our bathroom painted – one of the last hurdles to cross before being able to list our house. Last night I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Letting go and focusing on things I’ve been neglecting for a while was just what the doctor ordered. Things will happen when they’re going to happen and there’s not much I can do to change that.

So, I might not be as present on social media as I once was. I see how much it’s emotionally affecting me, and taking time away from being with my family. Am I an addict? Yes. I chase information on the internet when I feel helpless, which pretty much has put me online ALL. THE. TIME. And I’m just done. I’ll still be around, just not as much. Of course, that doesn’t apply here, where I am already barely ever around. I’ll keep that up. :)

And here are some photos of what we’ve been up to over the weekend.

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We took this lady bowling for the first time.
She liked it.

 

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New bathroom paint color.
 

(Be sure to read my recap of this week’s Walking Dead over at Mamapop!)

My rock.

Posted 30 Jan 2013 — by Mrs. Jenna
Category marriage, motherhood, other people are awesome, The Hubs

To say the last two weeks have been hard would be an understatement. I have cried, slept, and been awake more in the last 13 days than I feel like ever. I’ve been crying for good reason, and crying for no good reason. Hormones are a bitch, people. And mine are all over the effing place. People who know me are aware that I’m a pretty solid person. I don’t tend to cry easily, or let things get to me too much. However, when my facade gets even the smallest fissure, the rest of me tends to melt away. I get anxious. Depressed. I can fall apart.

This me has only been around a few times. Like, a couple months after I had Abby. Then when my anxiety peaked last summer. And now.

I hate this me. I know I have no control over my emotions and me without control is like a malt without hot fudge. It just. doesn’t. work.

I’ve had a rough couple of nights. Last night I had a class A panic attack, intensified by worrying about the new strain of Norovirus (have you read about this?!). I was completely gone. But Josh, the awesome husband that he is, told me to back away from the internet, lay down in bed and let him take care of Abby and everything else. I cried (of course, right now it’s my only reaction to anything) and felt so damn grateful to have such a thoughtful husband.

Tonight wasn’t much different. Abby continued her newest trick of hating everything we’ve ever offered her to eat, and flat out refused both pizza and oatmeal. What’s frustrating is that she’ll eat pretty much anything anyone else gives her – at school or at her grandparents house. For us? AS IF. We struggled and fought with her for 45 minutes about eating until she decided she would drink milk and snuggle with me instead, which I allowed. Then bath time turned into struggle number 2, more tears, more acting out. Part of me knows she’s sensing my emotions and reacting to them, and unfortunately I have little to no patience these days. She shaped up enough when she got out of the tub, but cried more during teeth brushing. I’d had enough, and Josh sensed it. He stepped in and took over. Which again, made me cry.

I feel horrible for being this way. For what I feel like is rubbing off on my daughter, for feeling useless, even though I really do feel like I’m okay most of the time. I know this is my hormones wreaking havoc on my psyche, but not being able to control any of it is sending me over the edge.

Through it all though is Josh. Being my rock. Standing by my side when all I can do is cry or lay in bed or stare at my computer. He has done nothing but take care of me for the last two weeks and make sure I’m okay.

People say this all of the time, and I’m sure I’ve said it before too, but I’ve never in my life meant it more than now:

I don’t know what I would do without him.

I keep wishing time away – for when mentally I’m repaired and not disabled by these hormones. For when we can start trying for another baby. For when I’ll be pregnant again. But I feel like the more I’m wishing, the more I’m removing myself from the present. But it’s just so damn hard to be here right now. Mentally. And physically…I guess. I’m rambling.

Anyway. I know I’ll get through this. And I’ll eternally be grateful for a husband that will do anything to make sure I that I do.

There is a light that never goes out.

Posted 24 Jan 2013 — by Mrs. Jenna
Category motherhood, other people are awesome, please and thank you

The ultrasound today showed no significant change. I was measuring 8 weeks along, but still nothing.

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Anticipation.

Posted 23 Jan 2013 — by Mrs. Jenna
Category motherhood, other people are awesome, please and thank you

24 hours from now, I will have my answer. I’m not sure what the true statistics are, but I’m going into it assuming 50/50.

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This wasn’t meant to be.

Posted 18 Jan 2013 — by Mrs. Jenna
Category marriage, motherhood, not so much, The Hubs

So, this post is going to be personal. And if you know me because we work together or something…maybe you don’t want to read it. It’s going to be major word vomit. It’s going to be TMI. But this is why I have a blog. To get these things out. To find others who can commiserate and make me feel less alone and more like just anyone living their life.

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