It’s my Aunt Julie. She’s sick again. Not even again – she’s just going downhill. She hasn’t really gotten better – that would constitute an “again.”

She was in the hospital in November, but pulled through. She’s in so much pain right now, nothing’s helping. I think she’s really giving up this time, the pain’s just too much. The (rare) optimist in me says “don’t worry! She’ll pull through like she always does.” But the realist in me knows she can’t keep doing this. She’s stage four, as far as I know. I just can’t fathom what the hell is going on. I’m removed slightly from the situation since I live 5 hours away…I only hear things when they get really bad. Lately I’ve been hearing a lot. My Aunt Mitzi is trying to guarantee her own remission and trying to find a cure for her Julie at the same time. My mom is trying to help both of them and my grandma (who also is dealing with (ovarian) cancer), while also trying to keep her shit together.

What do I even do? I feel so damn helpless. I don’t know if I can see her. She’s so sick. My grandpa died in November, right before I started this blog. I didn’t get a chance to see him before he died. My Aunt Mitzi and my mom kept saying that it was probably good that I didn’t see him, so I could remember him in a good way; when he could remember who i was and would get a smile on his face when he saw me. He was thin and frankly out of his mind from the alzheimers when he died. I am happy I didn’t make it up to see him. I guess I don’t think I could feel that way about Julie. She’s still there, beneath the pain and cancer. She’d still smile when she saw me, if the pain allowed.

This wine isn’t helping me feel better. Maybe another glass.

Then I start thinking about her two boys and I just lose it. Their dad’s been gone (died of a heart attack) for over 20 years. What will they do? I feel guilty I’m not closer to them.

I need to stop.

I’m going home this weekend (a trip planned long before I knew the situation with Julie), so hopefully I can stop by and see her. I’ll try to take my parents minds off of things and try to make my grandma laugh and act like things are mostly normal.

If anything, today has made my will to walk those 60 miles in September even more. The fact Julie can survive day-to-day with her pain means I can walk 20 miles a day for 3 days. That’s the least I can do. And hope that enough money is raised enough so that some day people won’t have to put up with this shit.