Back on track.

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Posted 13 May 2008 in cancer sucks, The Hubs

It’s been an exhausting couple of weeks.

After Julie died, I doubled as dedicated corporate employee (working 8 hour days from my parent’s house or dad’s office) and emotional support for everyone in my family. The hubs came on Wednesday night, and the funeral was Thursday, May 1st – exactly three years to the date that Julie was diagnosed with breast cancer. (I found that creepy.) The hubs and I hung around my parents place until Saturday and drove back to Minneapolis. My Aunt Mitzi and my grandma followed us in their own car – to get away, and to see the house. It was super nice having them there, and I’m guessing a nice change from the stress that had been the previous three weeks. We went to the horse track on Sunday, I lost $40. But we had a ton of fun. They left on the next day.

Then, last Wednesday, the hubs and I and a couple of his buddies got on a plane and went to Chicago for a couple baseball games and beer consumption. White Sox fans are a different breed. Not like Twins fans. :) But they beat us anyway. We went to a Cubs game too while we were there. It was colder than a witches teat (what does that mean anyway?) and I ended up having to buy a coat on Friday for the Cubs game. Luckily, there’s a store in Wrigleyville called Belmont Army and it’s my second favorite store in the country. (My favorite is Aprie in Seattle.) I got a Free People coat for 40% off. (And then went back after the game and bought a pair of jeans and a couple tee shirts.) Chicago has the GREATEST shopping, but since I was with three dudes, sports and beer reigned supreme. At least I got a little bit in. We flew back on Saturday and spent Mother’s day at the hubs’ parents house.

The past few nights I’ve been having serious trouble sleeping. I keep having really vivid dreams about death, my family, or doing things out of the ordinary for me to do. I usually wake up sweating and can’t fall back asleep. Before I woke up this morning at 2:30am, I had a dream I was living with someone who had bugs and maggots all over their house and furniture and they did nothing about it. When I finally fell back asleep, I dreamed about my aunt Mitzi and her brother planning to purposely OD on something at my grandma’s. I was curled up next to Mitzi when she died, but I didn’t know she had because my body heat was keeping her warm. My grandma decided she didn’t want anyone else to be in the house she lived in – so she set fire to the place with herself, my aunt, uncle and mom inside. She made me leave. I woke up at 3:30 am and immediately started thinking about Julie being in the hospital. I cried for over an hour before I fell back asleep again.

I’m scared this will never go away. I cry randomly and quietly. Little things remind me of Julie (both when she was healthy and right before she died). I can’t imagine how her boys are coping. I’m afraid to go to sleep tonight.

Anyway, today I plan on walking (training) for the first time in a month. It’s only 3 miles today, but it needs to be done. I’m so far behind. I didn’t train at all since all this crap happened with my aunt & being in Chicago.

T-minus 16 days until I get to see my BFF! A girls weekend is just what the doctor ordered. :)

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