Ladies (and gentlemen? There’s gotta be at least one male reader, right?) – I actually slept through the night last night.

Holy crap.

Granted, I did wake up a couple times, but fell right back asleep. The most important part is that I did not get up ONCE – not even to pee. It’s a miracle.

Sadly, I think it can be attributed to the fact that Miles is now in kitty heaven, and not knocking shit down every 2 hours because he’s hungry or bored or just wants to be an ass.

And thus, the story. If you cry easily or just lost a pet or just don’t feel like being depressed, I wouldn’t bother reading the rest of this post. But it feels good to get it out there, so…here it is.

I’ll start by saying the hubs is like, my effing hero. He was so strong for me when I couldn’t be.

When I got home from work, the hubs had Miles outside in the front and I walked up from the train and just lost it. He felt so bad…but it wasn’t even just seeing Miles, I’d been holding it in all day. To make matters worse, Miles was seemingly fine when I got home. I mean, I knew he’d get cruddy again at some point, but he was having a good moment of no snot or sneezing or anything. Then I started having second thoughts and was feeling so guilty for even considering putting him down, but the hubs kept reminding me that he WAS really sick.

We got there and they put us in this “Grieving room” that was like, a nicer, private waiting room. Our vet came in to put a catheter in his arm and reassured me that I was making the right decision. Hearing a medical professional say it made me feel better too. So, she came back with him and discussed what they were going to do, and we decided to have him cremated. Then she said she was just going to do it in that room, and I was like – “I can’t. I can’t be here and watch it. I feel guilty and horrible enough as it is to have just agreed to let you put him down.” The hubs said he would stay because he didn’t want him to die without at least one of us. So, I started saying goodbye to him and was about to leave the room but started bawling so I had to stick around for a few more seconds while I got my shit together. Suddenly Miles had this HUGE fit of sneezing and the worst snot I’ve ever seen come out of his little skull. It made me laugh for some reason, because even though it was horrible, it was EXACTLY what I needed to see in order to be okay with what was about to happen. I tried to wipe his nose, but our vet said she’d take care of it so I could get myself back in line so I could leave and walk through the regular waiting room. Like it mattered, I had myself together when I left the room and as soon as my foot entered the normal waiting area I just lost it. (I had to carry his effing empty carrier out to the car with a bunch of strangers and their pets looking at me – THE WORST.) So I went to the car and hyperventilate-cried for about 8 minutes until the hubs came out and it was over. He was SO upset, but it made me feel better that I wasn’t a freak for being so heartbroken. The hubs said that Miles was pretty chill, they gave him the sedative so he just kind of laid down and went to sleep, and the hubs was telling him we loved him, and then the vet said “he’s gone” and the hubs didn’t even notice that he’d stopped breathing. So…pretty peaceful.

**big sigh**

It’s weird being in a one cat household. Boo is certainly soaking up the attention we’re giving him. We both feel guilty at the same time, like Miles is somehow seeing the attention we’re showering on Boo and getting jealous or something (we were always VERY equal in our attention and love we showed to the boys when they were in the same room).

Each day will get better, but I expect it to suck for a few weeks. I started crying again in the shower this morning…but shower cries are better than the “at my desk” cries I was having on Monday and Tuesday.

I’m really REALLY looking forward to heading to my parents house this weekend. Getting away will help, I think.