In all seriousness…

Posted 26 May 2010 in marriage, motherhood, not so much

So, this is the post I started last week that was going to be a more serious post. Turns out, all I even typed out was the title. But I still remember the topic.

I’m going to jump around here a bit. Stay with me.

It seems like lately, all I’m doing is wishing for things to be different. So much so that it nearly consumes my thoughts when I have a spare moment to daydream. My biggest wish? To win the lottery or suddenly be handed a crap-ton of money. I know, I know – a lot of people wish for the same thing. But I think about it ALL THE TIME. Because it would for the most part, solve a lot of my problems. Again – I know this would also solve a lot of problems for other people, but we’re talking about ME, people. IT’S ALL ABOUT ME! *cough* Anyway…

I wish so badly every day that I could be a stay at home mom. EVERY DAY. This just isn’t possible because we need my income. In fact, I’m trying to start working four 10 hour days (instead of four 8 hour days) in order to get back to 40 hours a week and more money.

So, in essence, a lotto win would equate to never having to work again. And the thought makes me so happy that I simply cannot stop thinking about it. I don’t even think about what else I could do with the money, just knowing I could stay home with Abby is enough. I’m so happy when I’m with her. But when I’m not…

I also am having a hard time with my emotions lately. I’m usually a pretty happy person, but I seem to be crying more often and just kind of in a funk that I can’t shake. I have a huge group of ladies I love more than any e-buddies evar, but I can’t bring myself to talk with them much anymore. I don’t really talk to any of my IRL friends anymore either, save one. I don’t know why. It has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me. I keep blaming my hormones (DAMN THIS MIRENA!) but I don’t know if that’s it. And I’m not ready to start waving the PPD flag, because seriously? I just can’t. I don’t feel like that’s me. And that just leaves me…here. With no answers. Feeling slightly crazy and just hoping that tomorrow I’ll feel better. Some days I do. Others, not so much.

I kind of just feel trapped in my own mind. Like, if I vocalize my inner monologue EVER I will surely be locked up in some sort of looney bin or asylum for special people. I have a lot of issues I need to work out regarding a lot of things, but instead I choose to keep everything locked up, because I simply do not feel like dealing with anything.

::deep breaths::

So…there’s my serious post. I don’t know how I feel about actually putting all of this out there, but I am. I kind of feel like I’m in that dream where you’re in the middle of a crowd with no clothes on and everyone is staring at you. I guess I’m just hoping that someone out there can hand me a robe. Preferably one made of lightweight cotton. It’s warm out, doode.


  1. Laurie

    I hope it gets better for you…Keep your head up!

  2. I don’t like people who think money wouldn’t improve the quality of their lives in any way. They are grossly mistaken. And really, in all seriousness, therapy helped me for a while. It was nice to just talk about my issues with someone who was completely on the outside of my life. I don’t trust anyone either, so going was not easy for me. But it wouldn’t hurt to try.

  3. Me too. Like all the time. I even fantasize about telling the daycare people that he won’t be back. I get that you feel like a wacko inside your own head. I keep blaming the breastfeeding hormones and his schedule for why I don’t ever want to go anywhere or hang out with anyone but really? Maybe that’s part of the truth, but it’s not the whole thing. I don’t know what else is going on, but the only thing I can tell you is to make sure and keep your husband in the loop. Good luck sista.

  4. I wish I could hug you from here. I don’t want to sound like I’m giving advice, because this is a topic to which I don’t want to assume I know more than what you’ve shared and I would probably look like a total ass. (luckily my face does not have a vertical crack running from my forehead to my chin, so my chances of actually looking like an ass are looking good) You are an amazing mother and woman and if each day you still feel like you are nekked in a crowd, try not to be afraid to reach out for help. It’s hard to do, I know this. I hate asking for help more than I hate the plague. Hugs mama!

    Oh – and what color robe would suit you? I’m picturing a nice green or bright sunny orange. Mmm? :)

  5. Kristen

    Hi, stranger delurking here to say you’re not alone. I’m right there with you, albeit I’m on Zoloft and it helps a great deal. I chalk it up to the fact that I had a baby 4 months ago and life as I previously knew it went *poof* You’re doing just fine, just keep on keeping on and if you need someone professional to talk to, seek them out. If nothing else, it’ll help clear out the inner monologue. :)

  6. kdubblez

    lurker, and longtime reader here. even if you aren’t ready to wave the PPD flag, you should start doing some small things for yourself. if you are afraid to blurt it all out here and have to self censor, try writing in a journal, just to get it out. try making plans with people you want to spend time with, it gives you things to look forward to. i also think forcing yourself to exercise at least 2-3 times a week, REALLY helps battling the inner crazies. hang in there.
    and I’m SO gonna win the lotto….it’s only a matter of time!

  7. Hey there! I can’t recall how I stumbled upon your blog but I began on “D-Listed Mom Blogs” and somehow ended up here…so, hello! :)

    I’m sorry to hear that you’re having such a hard time with your emotions. It is a great thing that you are choosing to recognize and acknowledge these feelings, though, instead of stuffing them away. Even if you feel that you should not feel this way, brain chemistry sometimes just has an agenda of its own.

    Please don’t ever be ashamed of admitting how you feel (not saying that you are ashamed, just sayin’ don’t be!). Your emotions are valid and you need to be cared for — by others but also by yourself.

    Are there any Mom groups where you live that you could get together with (in person) and be able to talk about your feelings? This would be a good start, I think. I’m not insinuating you need a therapist (and if you do, like I do, eh who cares!) but some talk-therapy is a great thing, no matter where you can get it. Also please be sure to make time for YOU — just little things throughout the day. Even if you only have two free minutes to yourself, do something that is for you and only you.

    Don’t be afraid to reach out — it can make a world of difference.

    I look forward to reading your blog.


  8. So not only do we both have Abby’s, but we both obsess over winning the lottery so we can be SAHM’s. But in all seriousness, go see your OB and get screened. I put it off, and was so glad when I finally did. It was determined that I didn’t have PPD, but that I was allowing my anxiety to get the best of me. He talked to me about a bunch of stuff and that perspective helped me to move on…not like things are ever perfect or anything. But seriously, go talk to someone. Sometimes venting to someone who isn’t super close to you can be the best medicine. Hope you start to get this figured out sooner than later.

  9. Any reader popping my comment cherry here…I totally could have written this post myself. Word for word except my “Abbers” is named Norah and she’s only 3 months old. =) I can’t even write things like this on my own blog because too many of my “e-friends” have become IRL friends and that makes me uncomfortable for them to know those kinds of details of my life. I have more “drafts” written up like this than I’d care to admit. I guess I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone.

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