Recently, I purchased a romper at Target. I have since come to realize that I was drawn to the fabric print more than the “fashion-don’t” itself, but hindsight is 20/20, eh? I thought to myself, “I have an outdoor concert to go to on Saturday – if it’s hot, THIS WILL BE PERFECT!” WRONG.

Anyway, ROMPERS. In and of itself sound like toddlerwear. BECAUSE THEY ARE. Adults are not meant to wear rompers..for a number of reasons.

Do you see the results? MEANT FOR BABIES.

Right, so…why are rompers wrong? Well, first – let me tell you: I had fully intended on taking a photo of myself in this romper I purchased (see below) REGARDLESS of how I looked in it. THAT’S how confident I was that I wouldn’t look like shit. I was SO WRONG.

The romper in question

I tried it on in my bedroom (Do you understand that I actually purchased one without trying it on? Who the hell do I think I am? Heidi Klum!?) and OH MY GOD. Hot mess doesn’t even begin to describe what I looked like in this thing.

The romper in question did three things for my body, none of which are good:

1. Hey, look! You’re five months pregnant! Oh, you’re not? WELL YOU LOOK LIKE YOU ARE.
2. A serious case of NoAssAtAll. And trust me, after bearing a child and being on this very earth for nearly 30 years, I HAVE AN ASS.
3. Yeah, I know…I have shitty posture. This romper is all, “Here! LET ME ACCENTUATE THAT FOR YOU.”

So, as quickly as it was on, it was off and lying on my bedroom floor. I poked it with a stick a few times to make sure it was really dead and stuck it back in the Target bag whence it came.

After this horrorshow, it dawned on me how horrible it would have been had I actually decided to wear it to this concert. Let’s just pretend for a second that I did look like the fabulous Target model wearing it and got to this outdoor concert. Enter…the PortoPotty.

When children wear rompers, most of the time there are crotch snaps to access poo and pee filled diapers. When ADULTS wear rompers, you pull them down to empty your bladder/poop tubes.

I would have had to sit virtually naked in a PortoJohn to cut a wiz.

I NEVER want to be naked in a PortoPotty.

EVER.

Also, the vision of the lock malfunctioning and the door being opened causing a line of people at the toilets and the entire festival grounds taking a peek at me with A ROMPER AROUND MY ANKLES and nothing else on is both hilarious and probably the worst thing ever. (You know, aside from being locked in a room with “Afternoon Delight” at 11 and on repeat. (PCU! WHAT!))

::breathes::

I took the romper back on Wednesday.

Consider yourself warned.