Admitting defeat is the first step towards…

Posted 09 Mar 2011 in not so much, TheRapists

I was going to say “winning,” but after you finish reading the contents of this post, I didn’t want anything that might make me sound like Charlie Sheen.

Maybe I’ll say victory.

I haven’t been to seen the Magic Doctor (read: therapist) since before Christmas. I haven’t mentioned her here since September. Honestly, things felt better. I haven’t had an anxiety stomach since I don’t even know when. I’ve been happy with my job and not so worried about being a stay at home mom.

As I type this, I had in my head that I didn’t know why I suddenly feel like I’ve fallen down an emotional flight of stairs. I had thought maybe it was pressure I’ve been putting on myself to take care of everything at home. Really, I know it’s the culmination of a lot of things. I don’t cope well with change. (I don’t cope well with a lot of things, let’s be honest.) In the past month, the company I work for laid off 8% of it’s workforce, and we were kept in limbo wondering if we were losing our jobs. Luckily, I got to keep mine. We ended up with Abby in the ER on Sunday night. And when all this shit hits the fan, when I start feeling myself slipping down those first steps, I just try to deal. I try to fix in my mind whatever is pushing me. I try to focus on what makes me happy. It’s when I realize that nothing is making me stay happy that I’m falling.

That’s the way I’ve felt for weeks.

It grosses me out to think that my online shopping hiatus is adding to this, because as I jokingly title posts like that, it is what it is – retail therapy. I’m broke and not allowing myself to shop online and I have nowhere to put my negative energy. And it builds.

So, that’s where I stand. I have an appointment scheduled to see the Magic Doctor next week. Sorry if you’re a friend or family member reading this not knowing I felt this way right now. Sorry if it seems weird that I have an easier time typing this for the whole interwebs to read before I would pick up the phone and call. I have trouble talking to people about this kind of stuff. If you couldn’t already figure that out.

Rest assured I’m not going off the deep end like Charlie Sheen. Although you can catch my first vlog tomorrow night entitled “Tiger Blood and Warlocks equal #WINNING.”


  1. First off, you’re nowhere near defeated, and going back to a therapist doesn’t put you there either. It just means that things are rough(er) again and that you need some more support… and you know what? That is 110% ok. If you had a cold, and it came back, you’d go back to the doctor for treatment. That’s exactly what you’re doing now.

    Secondly, I love you, and good for you for reaching out (again) to the interwebs. You know there’s a lot of people out here rooting for you and who would do anything to help. Don’t ever be afraid to ask.

    Hugs and much love, mama!

  2. Have you thought of pouring your negative energy into scrapbooking?

    (Haha…oh, felt like we needed to break the tension there.)

    You’re doing the right thing bestie. And know that I heart you more than my shoes.

  3. Amy

    Getting help is in no way admitting defeat. It is strong and it is brave. I’ve had struggles with depression and anxiety most of my life, and have been battling them much more since my father’s suicide. If you ever ever ever want to talk to someone who gets it, please feel free to email me.
    Amy recently posted..Lazy Parenting or Super Toddler My Profile

Add Your Comment

CommentLuv badge