So guess what? FAIL.

Posted 15 Mar 2012 in I am a moron, not so much

Two things.

One) I started drinking soda again. Yesterday I had three. DAMMIT. I had finally gotten past the headaches and then it was like FUCK IT and then I started drinking them again. Like my friend Martini said – “Soda is addictive, like ciggies. And thank god you’re not addicted to those because that’s way worse.” I couldn’t agree more. So I’m just going to try to cut back. To only one per day max. And then try to have days where I don’t have any. (Yeah RIGHT.) Even the guy at Bruegger’s this morning said “You need the good stuff, right?” after hearing my reply to “Diet or Regular?” (REGULAR DUH.)


B.) My back pain? Not related to the caffeine withdrawal. That sonofabitch Chiropractor really did eff me up. (No offense people of chiropractic persuasion.)

I’m not kidding you, internets. I couldn’t get in and out of bed or the car without yelping in pain and attempting some Cirque du Soliel bullshit maneuvers to do it painlessly. There WAS no painless way. I couldn’t do anything. Sitting made it worse. Standing made it worse. Laying down hurt, but then after a full night’s sleep I’d wake up and be like “WHOA! Back to normal!” and then after standing in the shower for 5 minutes be wishing for hit to be placed on the fine gentleman who “adjusted” my back. Poo on you, dude. Friday I finally went to a doctor (read, someone who would give me pain meds) and he declared that I had a “Severe Muscle Sprain/Strain” in my lower back. No nerve damage. Just some effed up muscles (which I figured.) He prescribed the most useless pain meds ever and some muscle relaxers that knock me on my ass.

I took one after my appointment when I was home resting on the couch, and I went from being in pain and watching some Emmy quality COPS episodes, to knocked the eff out Mike Tyson style. I woke up an hour or so later so mentally handicapped that I spent the next 45 minutes trying to discern whether I was awake, or if I was dreaming that I was feeding Abby a late lunch. Turned out I was awake. And slurring.

I tried taking only half of one last night to be comfortable laying down and hoping to not go back to Mars but I still woke up in the middle of the night with no idea where I was, but believing that I just had a conversation with Cosmo Kramer and that he was probably in the living room waiting to continue our discussion. It took me about 5 minutes before I realized I had been sleeping and that I am not in a Seinfeld episode. OR AM I?

Regardless, my back is sllloowwwllyy getting better. It’s still extremely stiff and now my hips hurt, but I assume it’s from all the overcompensation the rest of my body was doing trying to not have anymore of the worst pain ever. It needs to heal, and fast. A big group of friends is headed to see Jane’s Addiction at a smaller venue on Monday, and then Thursday night I have to fly in a plane for like, 3.5 hours…which means sitting and panicking and also sitting which equals pain. BUT IT WILL BE BETTER BY THEN. Right? Yes, yes it will, Jenna.


  1. I had THE EXACT SAME back problem last year. I was in the most severe pain of my life for about 5 months before I finally went to a chiro. She fixed me in about a week. I know you’re probably turned off from chiros now but let me know if you want to give it another try and I can give you my lady’s info.
    Felicia recently posted..Movin’ on up, to the Eastside My Profile

  2. The Seinfeld graf made me LOL. When I had a severe case of grandma back a few weeks ago, I tried all of those stick-on heat-’em-up pads they sell for sore muscles. None of them worked. So just go ahead and skip those. You’re welcome.

    I’m sure the plethora of cocktails you’ll be having with me will do something to help the pain…or mask it.
    Martini recently posted..This is All About Food & Drinkey Drink Drinks My Profile

  3. I have a love hate relationship with muscle relaxers, because the sleep you get on them is glorious. But then you wake up and you don’t know anything. ANYTHING. Your name? Year? Where you are? And your mouth is sort of open and your tongue is sort of hanging out a little while your eyes are drooping and you’re trying to understand what life is and why you are seeing things. Awkward little relationship to have with a pill.
    Alena recently posted..This one timeā€¦I spent New Years in Paris! My Profile

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