Mostly because I have SARS or Mad Cow disease (or just a cold) and it’s making it hard to just survive, no less have an original blog entry.

To summarize, breast cancer sucks.

Requesting good thoughts and prayers…
…again for Julie. Her battle is becoming more and more difficult. I may be going home in a few days, more than likely to say goodbye. I love her dearly and pray that she could make it through this, but I don’t know if that’s possible anymore.

Please keep her (and our entire family) in your thoughts and prayers. We’re all having a hard time and could use all the support we can get!

(Give your mom, sister, daughter, aunt or best friend a hug and tell them how much you love them! It breaks my heart that I might not make it home in time to do so with my aunt. )

I haven’t gotten “the word” yet to go home, but I’ve practically already packed my things so I can leave whenever.

I promise promise promise my blog won’t always be sad and gloomy. It’s just that, that’s all that I can think about.

I had off on Monday (to drive back from ‘sconnie) and it’s thrown me for a loop this week. I tried going to a meeting that was yesterday because my brain was fully convinced today is Tuesday. Annoying. Plus, my sinuses are on full attack. A coworker who pretty much has a pharmacy in his desk drawer gave me a cocktail of Sudafed and generic Excedrin. Needless to say, I still have a headache.

So, the weekend went by too quickly. It was awesome seeing my family. Seeing my Aunt Julie was rough. She looked a little better than I imagined she would, but it was hard watching her push the button on her IV drip of pain meds. She kept reaching back to her left side occasionally when the pain was getting unbearable. We were there for about 15-20 minutes before we left – she seemed glad – I’m sure she immediately went back to bed to lay down. I felt horrible we didn’t stay for longer, but knew she was struggling the whole time. I decided that we would be coming home for Easter so I can see her again. Her boys should be home then too, so I can see everyone. The next few months are going to be rough.

I have a weird, horrible feeling that this is going to be a bad year for my family. I know my aunt won’t last through this Christmas. Something tells me my grandma might go before 2008 is done too.

Enough sad talk.

However, right now I don’t have much more to add. I’ll try to cheer things up later.

It’s my Aunt Julie. She’s sick again. Not even again – she’s just going downhill. She hasn’t really gotten better – that would constitute an “again.”

She was in the hospital in November, but pulled through. She’s in so much pain right now, nothing’s helping. I think she’s really giving up this time, the pain’s just too much. The (rare) optimist in me says “don’t worry! She’ll pull through like she always does.” But the realist in me knows she can’t keep doing this. She’s stage four, as far as I know. I just can’t fathom what the hell is going on. I’m removed slightly from the situation since I live 5 hours away…I only hear things when they get really bad. Lately I’ve been hearing a lot. My Aunt Mitzi is trying to guarantee her own remission and trying to find a cure for her Julie at the same time. My mom is trying to help both of them and my grandma (who also is dealing with (ovarian) cancer), while also trying to keep her shit together.

What do I even do? I feel so damn helpless. I don’t know if I can see her. She’s so sick. My grandpa died in November, right before I started this blog. I didn’t get a chance to see him before he died. My Aunt Mitzi and my mom kept saying that it was probably good that I didn’t see him, so I could remember him in a good way; when he could remember who i was and would get a smile on his face when he saw me. He was thin and frankly out of his mind from the alzheimers when he died. I am happy I didn’t make it up to see him. I guess I don’t think I could feel that way about Julie. She’s still there, beneath the pain and cancer. She’d still smile when she saw me, if the pain allowed.

This wine isn’t helping me feel better. Maybe another glass.

Then I start thinking about her two boys and I just lose it. Their dad’s been gone (died of a heart attack) for over 20 years. What will they do? I feel guilty I’m not closer to them.

I need to stop.

I’m going home this weekend (a trip planned long before I knew the situation with Julie), so hopefully I can stop by and see her. I’ll try to take my parents minds off of things and try to make my grandma laugh and act like things are mostly normal.

If anything, today has made my will to walk those 60 miles in September even more. The fact Julie can survive day-to-day with her pain means I can walk 20 miles a day for 3 days. That’s the least I can do. And hope that enough money is raised enough so that some day people won’t have to put up with this shit.

My mom just emailed me to tell me my dear Aunt Julie is in the ICU right now. Luckily, since I’ve started blogging, she hasn’t gotten as sick as she was a January ago. Most everyone in the family had traveled home for fear of the worst, but luckily she pulled through. It was a horrible case of double pneumonia on top of her already weak body (due to breast cancer). Julie’s been a trooper dealing with a recent relapse, going through chemo and god knows what else to beat this horrible disease. And now, sadly, she’s back in the ICU.

I don’t handle situations like this as well as I used to when I was younger. I could hold it together then. I’m not so good at it now. I’ve already had to sit in a bathroom stall to cry so my coworkers don’t ask “what’s wrong?” because I simply cannot deal with it.

I know Julie – she is one of the toughest broads I know – tough as nails. She’s climbed mountains, competed in races, and is one of the most sarcastic-funny people you’ll ever meet. That’s why it’s so upsetting when she does get this ill, she’s so tough – to “give in” and go to the hospital means it’s pretty bad, even by her standards.

So far, I don’t think anyone in my family affected by either breast cancer (3 Aunts and a Grandma) or ovarian cancer (other grandma) have been this frighteningly ill – twice. I’m so scared for her. I have to keep telling myself she’ll pull through. I can’t think of what will happen if she doesn’t.

Please…say a prayer for Julie to whatever God you see fit.